Mistaken Experience

There is something to be said for being alive, and I feel like this is the title of a poem I need to write. Perhaps instead another impressionist painting, we will see. Its just one of those days you take the time to look around and see the things you normally overlook. Today I’m going to use my friends as a reference. I don’t think they can possibly understand how much they mean to me. Scratch that, they just DON’T, plain and simple.

MapleStory is a fun little game I used to play because I thought if I tried hard enough, I could be the best. I would have lots of friends because I was so powerful and rich. I was originally going to make my own guild when I had enough money, and it would be as exclusive as I could possibly maintain. Then after a month or two I came to a realization. I wasn’t going to be the best. I may be rich, I could get to a high level, but I was never going to be the best. Sure, I could have trained and trained. I could have bough low and sold high. I could have been the best, until I realized, I didn’t want to be the best. Being the best for the sole purpose of being the best is everything I stand against. I don’t want the game to be a big ego trip, I want it to be a place I can talk to my friends, play a fun little game, and just relax. When I was around level 20, I joined a guild to try and make some friends.

I was browsing the forums in a maplestory tip-site, and I saw a guild recruitment section. Click click boom, the only one for my server, windia, was Caelum. Recruiting happy friendly active people, recommended level 30+. I was level twenty something at the time but I responded to the post with gusto. I vowed to get to level 30 as soon as I could, and I would be happy to make a donation towards expansion. The first person I met from Caelum was Sugarpops, or Sugar. The next day the guild leader Haibara,s or Ai, added me to the guild, it was a good day. For month I played, working my way up into the 40’s and being as happy and active as I could. I met lots of nice and interesting people, and had a lot of fun getting to know them all. At this point I’m going to skip ahead to the point where I currently am, as there is far too much waffle for you all to possibly wan’t to hear.

Envy, or EnviousGreed, one of my good friends. He’s always been there for me when I needed someone to talk to. I don’t just mean about this or that, I mean about anything I’ve ever needed to talk about. If I wanted to talk about dark and twisty memories, he wouldnt just listen, he’d WANT to listen. And when it was all over, he would usually have a dark and twisty memory to tell me about. If there was ever someone I could talk to, and feel comfortable, its Envy. If anyone knows that my friendships are worth, its probably him. Knowing each other from a distance makes it easier for us to confide in each other about sensitive subjects, we even talk about politics sometimes XP. Anyway, He’s someone I’m really glad I met, and even more glad we became friends. Fortunately, he knows it.

Sugar, perhaps my dearest friend at the moment. There is so much I wish I knew how to say. I love so much talking to you, even when I don’t have anything to say. She is underage for icecream, and there was a time when I wanted to change that. I was just jealous of how much attention she was paying icecream, and then selfish led to desire. It took a long time to understand just how I see her in my minds eye. Its still a little confusing, but one thing is for sure. Sugar, you mean more to me than anyone I know. Our friendship validates everything I ever fought for in a relationship. You’ve taught me so many things, given me so much to ponder. The last thing I want to do is change you. I really just want for you to be happy, no matter what has to happen. This sounds really stupid, I know, I just to make sure you understand that nothing in my life would be the same as it is now if I hadn’t met you. I’m really just glad we’re friends, and I hope it stays that way.

I can’t even start to talk about my friends on maple without at the mentioning Mimi. She is happy to listen and eager to learn. She’s happy to hear a your story, and somehow know s when its a hard one to tell. Theres a certain understanding about Mimi that I can’t comprehend, its truly wonderfull. Best of luck, your going to be more fine that you think, its who you are. And most of all, you deserve more than this little paragraph, I’ll expand on it sooner rather than later.

Something about breaking the fall. Try and Try again, I’ve been trying to break the fall. What I’m not sure of is wheather or not I’ve been falling this whole time, or if I just jumped. When you look at the ground, it looks soft, its a short fall. You don’t really want to jump, but you know its for the better, you have to keep going. You can take measures to cusion the fall, but there is something you should know. Sometimes there is nothing you can do. The groud will rise to meet your feet, and the ground isnt always as soft as it looks. Sometimes you end up with a broken leg, or a broken heart.

So I’m sitting here with a little cup of rice, writing all this down, even if I know I shouldn’t. It’s been a long couple of months. This is no way to start 2007 if I want it to be better than 2006. The the problem remains. As much as I want things to change, I want them to stay the same. I have some really good friendships, I don’t want to take that for granted. I just have this burning desire to feel loved, needed in a way that I haven’t felt in so long. Love is the worst kind of addiction. If you’ve ever felt the real stuff, you know what I’m talking about. You can take love from a person, only take the person away from the love.

Now that I seem all emo, I should point out that sleeping hasnt improved, however my apitite is starting to recover. I’ve finished the small rice bowl I made for myself. One quarter cup of short grain goodness. I’m still hungry, even if there is food in my stomach. I know that I’m only hungry because I want to be eating. I love to cook, and I love to eat, its a very comfortable thing for me to be doing.

Is it just me, or have the past two weeks been more or less a disaster? I’m refering more to people I know than myself. Just ask yourself “has something terrible happened in the last two weeks?”, i’m sure the answer is yes. Care to share? Only Somtimes telling people makes you feel just a little better. My readers (maybe a dozen?), were all good people for the most part. Lets pretend this is a campfire, write down your story and toss it into the flames.

So, Here’s the scoop. John and Cole have been gracious enough to offer me weapons and body cords. I think I may need another epee, but I can finagle that. I NEED a new Jaket, and probably a new mask and lame. Unless I just go down and fence epee that is…. Anyway, I’m still looking at like $400(*edit* Hotwire has plans starting at $370 or so, they’re just far away from downtown atlanta…) for air and 5 nights. I will need to order a Jacket and mask before I can go.  Black forest hasnt called me back yet, but things are looking up. I’m going to look into a credit card or small loan, as you can see, I really want this.

3:53am, its prime time for eating BRAINS! Don’t worry Nathan, your pretty much immune to my brain eating spree….

toolazytospeelcorrectlyoruseanygrammaratallincludingspaces

Or not. So, I had an interview with Jeff at black forest. It wen’t really well. I’m not sure to be happy or sad because this means that I have to go back to working, not that thats all bad. Andrew wants me to go with him to Atlanta. This means buying/borrowing/stealing/fabricating 2 foils, and 2 epees, body cords (dear god, many of them), a new jacket, new mask, and will all due certenty, I’m guessing on a new lame. Just under a grand if I buy it all. Any thoughts? I mean, I REALLY want to go, it would mean 4-5 days of fencing and friends. This, to me, would be a real vacation. Wan’t to lend me crap? Let me know.

And I have plans for a couse of action. 72 hours, if I get tired enough, I go to sleep, if I get hungry, I eat. If after 72 hours, I never get tired, never go to sleep, I’m going to the hospital. I’ll be checking my blood preasure, pulse, mood, philisophical state of mind every hour, first post being at 2am. I want see if I can’t kick this things ass. So, here’s how this works. No caffine (large amounts, coffee, tea, ect… minor amounts of chocolate may be permitted) no ginseng, no trying to stay awake, after all, my goal is to fall asleep. Tonight I fenced from about 7:40 to 9:30, I had meatloaf with broccoli, a baked sweet potatoe, and home-made ketchup around 6:30, and have since eaten half of a peanut butter sandwhich (one slice of wheat bread, 2 teaspoons of butter, 3 tablespoons peanutbutter). Perhaps this will uncover the misteries of my steadily decreasing apitite. I have plenty to do, from reading and writing to sketching to gaming. I can’t see this going 72 hours at this point. My head feels rather heavy, and I’m slightly drowsy. My blood preasure at the moment is 110 and 82, my pulse is 72, and I’m feeling a little fuzzy. My mood is rather bored, perhaps uninspired. From here until 1 am I’ll be playing maple and or reading. I’ll post every hour as a coment. The comments stop either tomorrow if I don’t sleep, around 9ish, or whever I fall asleep.

You heard me right, I’m zombie. Two days, 6 or so hours of sleep. Last night I could not get to sleep. I was still awake when my brother woke up for work, late I might add, at 6:30am. By the time I was drifting off to sleep, it was light out. 2 days and six hours of sleep, something about this is priceless, but I’m not sure what it is. Jamie says its being a zombie without the desire to eat brains. Little does she know just how bad I wan’t to eat brains……. I really wanted to draw something on my tablet, you know, that wasn’t scribbles and diddn’t suck. I’m thinking about borrowing one of thoes “how to draw…” books, but I’ve always seen them as cheating. Its just hard to come up with your own style when your being taught how to draw someone elses. So for insperation I stated reading some of my favourite webcomics. From QC to girly to little gamers. On think I like to do is check guest comics they do for other people. I started with little gamers, they do funny guest strips. They did one for a comic called megatokyo. Yeah, I’ve seen this exact comic before, and yeah, I’ve flipped through the archive and looked at the art. Its really really well drawn, I have to say. The prose is decent, but I usually like somthing a little more… real. Anyway, my friends John and Jack both draw some pretty crazy manga style comics. I say why the hell not? I knew if I wanted to draw people, I wanted them proportional and more or less accurate. Perhaps I’ll give it a try and see how it looks. While I’m getting more comfortable with the tablet, I think I’ll pull out a sketchbook. Its just easier for me if I can feel what I’m doing, and me and my tablet just aren’t that intimate sa of yet. Also, I want to know why I spend like 3 sentances on the subject of my posts… I had sort of a breakthrough night last night, perhaps I’ll know what I mean later tonight. A little maple, hopefully I’ll run into sugar, I sorta have to talk to her now, and then fencing tonight (very, very excited. However…. My present for socks arived monday with a massssssssive crack going down the side. I sent a picture of it to my good friends where I bought aforementioned item, and they are sending me a replacement asap. So I have a little something for her, but not her white whale). So, what do you say? Comon, inspire me….

Hey, I’m having too much fun the the whole modern impressionist thing. Andrew asked if I could do him a backround that was darker, kinda like space. Interested? Leave your resolution and give me an idea of what colours your looking for. Tell me what you think of andrews background. For some reason I call it Ghost Winter…

These are just some things overheard over the past few days that made me laugh a little.

Andew on epee:

Hey, when I get my licnece, I want to start driving epee! You know, no corps corps, no right of way. I love epee.

Sugarpops on Medicine…

Me: Hey, if you end up stuck in pre med, I can help you study, I pwn at reading an echocardiograph,
Sugar: Echo what?
Me: Echocardiograph, you know, it keeps track of your sinus rhythm.
Sugar: Sinus rhythm?
Me: Er… the spiky line machine?
Sugar: Oh! Spiky line machine, like the heartbeat thingy!
Me: How hard are your parents pushing med school?

Seriously sugar, you can operate on me any time XD.